Alzheimers - :(

We have met before, you know.You don't remember me, I'm pretty sure of that. After all, I was only sixteen the first time we met. I was so young and impressionable. I had no clue what you would do to my future. The first time I met you, you looked at me through the wildest eyes I have ever seen. I was haunted by you, yet I had no name to call you. I tried to keep my distance from you, but there was this thing about you that drew me to you, trying to constantly reach you through dimensions of touch, volumes of sound and softness of heart. Nothing really worked. It was a losing battle, but how could I know that? I was only sixteen after all. I will never forget the moment you so abrubtly slammed the door on my life then. One phone call, on the coldest night of that year, at the oddest time of the morning. You were gone. I was almost relieved that you had put your demons to rest and moved on. You killed every ounce of love I had and left me broken and empty. My life would not be the same for a long, long time.As the years passed, I could feel the pain begin to fade, slowly replaced by memories of times before you arrived. The strangest thing was, I still didn't really know you. Oh, I knew what you could do, you had the must inhumane power to rip souls apart. And that my friend, is no exaggeration. As the good memories, memories prior to your arrival would drift through my mind like clouds, thoughts so warm and loving. I would be so happy and so relieved that you had moved on. I can never forget that you robbed me of the purest quintessence of life as I knew it. Those eyes though. I would know them again if I saw them, in a heartbeat.Then, years later, you found me again. I don't think you were seeking me out in particular, or maybe you were. You certainly appear as though your path is mapped out in every cell of my body. But what a cruel twist of fate to know you were back. And to know I could not fight your presence. By the time I realized who you were, it was too late. You had taken over every tangle of mind, every cell of body. How could you have so covertly slipped back into my life, going virtually unnoticed until that day. The reality of it as though a bucket of ice had washed over my soul. You and everything you stand for is the greatest nightmare of my life. Not only my life but each life you've ever touched, I am sure of that. I could only sit helplessly by as you spread over each cell like the death you are. When you are done, no stone is left unturned, no life is left untouched and the breath is literally stilled. How do you do that? Why do you seem to take such joy in stealing whatever morsel of good is left? You snuff out the light of a soul ever so quickly. I hated you. I feared you. You ripped my family apart, sister by sister, mother by daughter, heart by heart. Til there was no heart left around me and certainly no essence of life as I once knew. That life that I missed so much. And yet again. You move on. As if a paper doll floating in the breeze, floating to your next destination, finding some havoc to wreck on other lives, hopefully not as successfully as you have done mine. Certainly, I am broken again, but just as before, I will find the strength to move on. You did not take my heart. Broke it yes. But it healed. You did not steal my essence and I was thoroughly educated this time. It won't happen again. This last time, I saw you. Those eyes. I could never forget that look. It's unique to you. Only as you can deliver it. Wildly lost and threatening. Primal almost. I knew it was you. It had to be. The only one that could ever affect me in this way. When I saw that first glimpse of you, I was so angry. God how I hate you. But you know what, I learned the last time. I had formulated a plan and let it rest there for what seemed like a lifetime. Only it was not. It was just 15 years or so. Waiting for your return. You always return. It's like my destiny. In fact, I know now that you are undoubtedly my destiny. Do not mistake my acceptance as weakness. I will not embrace you. Ever. In fact, I will fight you with everything I that I live and breath for. This time you have gotten closer to me than you ever have before. Hurt me worse than I ever knew even you could do. Shocked, but not unaware. Even closer and more intertwined inside of me than when I first met you. The only difference is this time my plan of action is not one of a sixteen year old. I am a woman. A grown woman. While I fear what you can do because you are still, after all these years, so unfamiliar to me, I do not fear the fight. I have waited and watched. You are slowly tugging at every memory that is a part of me and those around me. It's a struggle to remain calm. The poison of you has seeped into every cell yet again, making the once familiar things so strange and painful. There's always the pain. How do you make my heart feel as though it is literally tearing away piece by piece when I know it is still there. Beating. Fighting. Brave. and so full of love, more than when we first met. More than the mind could even imagine. The only difference now is, I am tossing the rope. I am saving the victim. I am fighting for my life and I am up for the challenge. As long as I have breath, as long as I have strength, I will never let you take over as you did those years ago. I am no longer a naive little girl that hides in the shadows, shivering in fear of being left so carelessly alone, one of the greatest loves I have ever known just snatched away in that one night. Yes I cry over you. I cry almost nightly, all it takes is a careless word, or a lost memory. I can not help the pain in my heart for what I know is lost. I will not apologize for loving what I have lost. It makes me who I am today. Just be warned, you will not win this time, nor the next. For as surely as I know you are here, I now know your name.Alzheimers.

(in loving memory of my great-grandmother, I lost her at age 16-she was the single greatest influence on my life; in memory of my grandmother, I lost her when I was age 30ish, and I loved her very much and in honor of my mother, who now has Alzheimers, but we are fighting back...)